As the grief in my heart grows stronger...

[Willow]

Gingerberry muttered to himself, and just for the sake of doing something, he was re-organizing his entire store of herbs.

"Marigold, Juniper, Burdock root." He continued. " Burdock root.. Oh, burdock..." He stopped suddenly, and seemed to be looking back on a memory, a very old one. His face contorted, and it was obvious this memory wasn't pleasant. It was obvious this memory was painfully related to the formerly-named Silverpaw.

With a yowl of fury, he launched himself on the burdock root, tearing it to shreds. It took him a couple moments to clear his mind again, something that began to take him a lot of effort, and he stared in shock at the herbs he had just destroyed.

In moments like these, besides the situation, he could almost pass for the great medicine cat he used to be. Before Silverpaw. Before his heart was destroyed with grief, and madness, and yes, loyalty. Loyalty that he felt failed. Failed when Silverpaw failed as a honorable apprentice. In moments like these, it only took a couple seconds for his mind to go back to the belief that he had disappointed every cat in SilentClan, and that no apprentice of his could ever succeed.

He bend his head, as his eyes clouded up with madness, again, and he was once again unreachable.

His head popped up at a crunch, and he spotted Reedpaw behind him.

"Ohh.. Ree.. ree.. Hi.. Red.. paw... No.. Silverpaw.. " He sighed, and looked down again, and his mind once again opened up for a clear moment. "Reedpaw. I'm sorry."

He looked up, and if one had looked closely, he would see the pain in his eyes, buried deep, and irreparable.

"I'm so sorry for everything..."

[Tay]

Reedpaw had evacuated the medicine cat's den the second she had awoken that morning, feeling it best to be as far away as possible when Gingerberry woke up. The senile old tom meant no harm, but his mind was mostly in another place nowadays - he would wake up and start a riot looking for Silverpaw, only to be inconsolable when he remembered the whole tragic ordeal. No, it was better to be off on some errand when he awoke - some other cat would attend to him, with no hard feelings towards his unfortunate new apprentice. Most of the Clan understood what a predicament the small tabby was in and bore her no ill will for dashing off as often as she could. After all, they would do the same.

She had found herself out of tasks rather quickly after leaving, however, and now found herself on her way back, dragging a white rabbit she had caught while out, huffing as its nearly frozen body bumped along the icy terrain. Taking as deep a breath she could through a mouthful of rabbit, the she-cat entered the den, prepared for some sort of chaotic scene to greet her. However, the scene was relatively placid, aside from the tattered pile of destroyed herbs lying in front of her mentor.

"Good morning, Gingerberry!" she chirped after dropping the rabbit at his paws, pretending not to notice how he had forgotten her name.. again. "How are you? Did you sleep well?" she inquired, acting as if his sudden expression of utter anguish didn't exist. The apprentice had learned that with Gingerberry, it was often best to just let it go. Turning to the remains of the shredded burdock root, she let out an inaudible sigh as she went to grab a leafy branch to sweep it up with. Her mentor could be such a pawful sometimes.

[Willow]

Gingerberry stared silently as his apprentice padded in, and despite him, and the mess, asked how he was. Nor did he say or do anything when she came to clean it all up. Deep inside his heart, he knew how difficult it must be for her, and that she deserves a chance to become a proper medicine cat. |He also knew most medicine cat apprentices would have gotten their ceremony by now. But with a mentor like Gingerberry...

"It's okay, Reedpaw." He meowed. His worries about Reedpaw and for once replaced the worries about Silverpaw, and he managed to speak clearly. "I'll clean this up. Please... could you get some more...?" He meowed feebly, and his old, frail mind realized it wasn't fair to the apprentice that he couldn't do anything anymore, and made Reedpaw do it all for him. Reedpaw deserved more. Maybe... maybe... I should just let Reedpaw be medicine cat...

The thought snagged in his mind, and suddenly he was furious again. If StarClan wanted him in this duty, he would do it until death! If StarClan wanted him to continue, even though it would result in failure, he would! If StarClan want the worst for him and Reedpaw, Gingerberry would fulfill their desires!

Furious with himself and StarClan, and having forgotten the things that happened only moments before, he bared his teeth, and glared. Not at Reedpaw, just at the air. As if some cat was standing there, challenging him, his thoughts, and his position as a medicine cat. He began hissing madly, and backed away, before diving into his den in a attempt of the sane part of his mind to calm down, and give Reedpaw a bit of the chance she deserved. Though he didn't know how hiding would help... it was all he could do at the moment...

[Tay]

Giving a slight sigh as Gingerberry lapsed from sanity back into his personal pit of misery, baring his teeth and glaring at thin air as if it had personally wronged him, Reedpaw finished her task of sweeping up the mess and watched as the aging medicine cat launched himself back into his den, wondering what he had been like before the event. Thoughts like this lead only to frustration - technically speaking, the tabby she-cat should have been able to remember the days back before the desertion. Of course, the Clan's ancient medicine cat hadn't exactly been one of her priorities back during those days - she had mostly been concerned with her own apprenticeship. An apprenticeship I've been doomed to repeat, she couldn't help but think bitterly, surprised at her own selfishness. After all, this couldn't be any easier for Gingerberry.

Knowing Gingerberry would be fine, more than likely remaining hauled up in his den for a good portion of the day and more than enough time for Reedpaw to collect the herbs she was after, the she-cat padded out of the den, casting a blue-eyed gaze about the camp to see if there was any cat who might want to help collect herbs with her. Heart sinking slightly in disappointment as she spotted no cat who wasn't already busy, the small tabby turned and padded out of camp, running through a mental list of all the best places to find burdock root. Of course, in their wasteland-esque environment, burdock root grew only in very select areas - in fact, she would probably have to venture all the way out to the edge of the pines to find any. The rest would have frozen over and died. Heaving a sigh, the medicine cat apprentice braced herself and stepped out of the safety of camp into the howling, unforgiving tundra winds.

ooc|
Okay, so after your post, she'll be back xD
So Gingerberry can do whatever :D

[Willow]

Gingerberry only gave Reedpaw a flick of his head while she disappeared through the medicine cat's entrance to gather the herbs he had just destroyed. Deep in his mind, he knew this should be his job. He should be the one doing the work, but in reality, Reedpaw had been following up his duties as a medicine cat for moons, while he sat around ranting about StarClan and moping in madness He was a burden to the Clan.

For a couple more moments, he nosed around in the herb store. Then it hit him. StarClan didn't care about him. The Clan didn't need him. Reedpaw was better off with him gone. It seemed so simple, yet only insanity touched with a bit of love and carefor those around you could have allowed the idea to be a good one. Reedpaw should have been a medicine cat a long time ago, and would be a great one, Gingerberry's mind argued. Why wasn't she yet? He asked himself, and the only answer that came to him was that he was incapable of making her one. He hadn't visited StarClan for seasons, in his dreams, or at the Ice Caves.

He shot one more glance at the herb store, at the place were Reedpaw had disappeared, at what he would be leaving behind, before his mind was made up. There was hardly anything to leave behind. He turned around, and pushed through the brambles surrounding the camp, and his den. They scraped against his pelt, and made cuts in his skin, but he didn't stop. As soon as he was safely on the other site, the forest surrounded him, and it looked peaceful, and kind, rather than dangerous looming which it has previously been. He could still hear the faint murmur of sharing tongues from inside the camp, when he dashed off. He ran, and he ran, and he ran, even when his old body protested, telling him he couldn't run anymore. He ran until he was well away from Clan territory, and ran to where no one would ever find him.

[Tay]

After a long, grueling voyage out onto the tundra to collect the herbs she needed, Reedpaw was feeling utterly exhausted by the time she slunk back into camp. Glancing around, she noted that nothing was amiss, and, a feeling of peace instilled within her at the serene happenings about camp, turned towards the medicine cat's den, ears pricked so she would immediately be aware of whether or not the elderly cat was having a fit. Her keen senses picking up nothing of the sort, the tabby's paws carried her into the den, blue eyes taking a moment to adjust to the considerably dimmer lighting. Pausing, mildly confused, the she-cat's eyes told her that Gingerberry was nowhere to be found, as did her nose - his scent was at least a few hours stale. Deciding that some cat would have noticed, had something gone seriously wrong, Reedpaw settled down to have a nap, determined to wait in the den until the old cat's arrival.

ooc|
Craaaaaaaaap post. I promise I'll add onto it later OTL